Woman Teaches Duck To Fly, Fails

A local woman was admitted to the hospital in serious condition after she failed at teaching her pet duck to fly. ​Aoife Wiśniewski Prendergast states she happened upon the duck while it was still in its egg. Giving it the name Señor Quackers, she raised it to adulthood, by which time she felt it was old enough to live in the wild.

Avid ornithologist Dr. Ainsforth Specklesby comments: "The thing about ducks is that their young become imprinted by whatever raises them." Since Ms. Prendergast had reared Señor Quackers among humans, the duck never learned how to fly because it considered itself human too.

Thus, Ms. Prendergast embarked on a peculiar personal mission: using papier-mâché, craft glue, and other materials from a neighborhood arts store, she made herself a pair of life-size wings and fastened them to her back. Not only would she teach Señor Quackers how to fly, she would also remove him from her basement where he had lived rent-free for years. Señor Quackers, upon discovering her intent to evict him, pecked at her savagely until she fled the scene. The duck then shotgunned a can of energy drink and resumed playing Call of Duty. Ms. Prendergast is expected to make a full recovery after four to six weeks of intensive care.

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Amaranaya "Naya" Sifat is a lifestyle news correspondent for IMBS. She spent the $2 million she inherited from her father in exchange for as many Instagram followers, a decision she does not regret because she has yet to grasp the concept of Instagram web bot accounts.