It started when Whifflesnap invited Batuta to his home for a night of beer and video games. Batuta won the initial coin toss and chose to receive. The first play of the game saw Batuta's players line up for a punt. This vexed Whifflesnap, and all the more so when Batuta's fake punt turned into a forty yard running gain. Batuta then called four consecutive quarterback sneaks, each getting him exactly 2.6 yards, narrowly avoiding a turnover on downs.
Tempers flared hotter as Batuta inched closer to the goal line. As a gesture of good sportsmanship, he offered Whifflesnap some time too settle down by calling all three of his timeouts, back to back, each one second before the play clock hit zero.
Setting his beer down, Whifflesnap slugged Batuta in the arm, shouting, "Stop that silly [censored] and play right!"
Grudgingly, Batuta complied.
On the next play, Batuta's team lined up in shotgun formation. The ball was snapped to the quarterback, who drew back as he scanned the field for an open receiver. Finding none, he withdrew another five yards, then another five, until he was twenty yards behind the scrimmage line. Meanwhile, his offensive line bogged down the defense like a tar pit.
Before long, Batuta's quarterback had withdrawn to his own fifteen yard line, having dropped back over fifty yards. Not only were his receivers open, every one of them was signaling with both arms above their heads, pleading to have the ball thrown to them. Some, doubting their quarterback could throw that far, ran back half the ground they had covered. The defense had all but given up, opting to hang out with their safeties, who had walked off the field for a drink of water.
Sensing it was the right time to act, Batuta's quarterback completed a sixty yard pass for a net gain of two. The play would have run longer had the receiver not voluntarily downed himself after the catch.
With little time remaining in the first quarter after that last down, Batuta's team ran what Whifflesnap called a "fake fumble" play, something akin to the infamous "holy roller" maneuver of September 10, 1978. Batuta's quarterback fumbled the ball into the legs of Whifflesnap's players, who, despite charging in the direction of Batuta's team, managed to propel the ball eight yards in Batuta's favor with no one on Batuta's team touching it until the play ended.
That was the last straw for Whifflesnap. He accused Batuta of having "hacked" the game. He flung his controller into his 60" flat screen TV, which promptly burst into flames. He then shattered his beer bottle (which also burst into flames) to use it as a shiv, declaring, "For cheating at Madden, you're the one who's gonna be saddened!"
Admittedly, this was not the most inspired battle cry, but it was the best Whifflesnap could do in the heat of the moment.
Suddenly, Whifflesnap lunged at Batuta, the bottle slipping from his hand in the process. The two beat each other with their fists until police arrived minutes later to take them away.
Officer Pryce, who was first to arrive on the scene, extinguished the flaming TV (and beer bottle). Then, realizing the TV was still on, he said, "Hey, is that Madden '94? I love that game!" Thereupon he put his feet up on Whifflesnap's coffee table and played for a quarter hour until his sergeant arrived and asked him, "Hey, is that Madden '94?" The two officers then ordered a pizza and remained at Whifflesnap's home until they had finished their game.
Batuta and Whifflesnap have since been released from custody with neither wishing to press charges against the other.
All is well that ends well.