Isermnoan Researchers Make Medical Breakthrough In Health Sciences

In a groundbreaking discovery that surpasses the mapping of the human genome, Isermnoan scientists today revealed that they have mapped the human skeleton. "This is an unprecedented breakthrough in medical science," said lead researcher Dr. Schlimazel Hasenpfeffer.

"Never before have we been able to count the number of human bones—except, you know, unless the guy was already done using them." Inquiry into the subject had proven difficult due to skeletons being thought of as "too spooky," which is technical jargon for being "too scary or icky to pursue seriously."

Prior to this medical breakthrough, the only way to study the human skeleton was to obtain an intact specimen. But, as discussed above, acquiring one is fraught with logistical difficulties. Putting aside cultural taboos, not least among these difficulties is the prohibition of necromancy. Even so, longstanding demand for human bones has driven many enterprising researchers to break taboo and resort to the dark magical arts.

Dr. Hasenpfeffer, who is both a medical doctor and a witch doctor, relates: "The sad reality is that the progress of science is arrested while researchers stand idly by, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for specimens. In life, as in death, if you want something bad enough, you need to reach out and take it," he adds, brushing graveyard dirt off his shovel. 

The study was not for the faint of heart. Documents leaked to this news outlet reveal that Dr. Hasenpfeffer's initial research team of forty suffered twenty-one defections by the time the study was completed. In a completely unrelated turn of events, during the course of the study there were twenty-one mysterious deaths followed by as many incidences of grave robberies wherein persons unknown absconded with the freshly-buried remains.

"And then there's the question of what to do with the specimens once you're done studying them," Dr. Hasenpfeffer continues. "Once you've obtained them, it's easy to transport them to the lab, just a matter of reanimating them with dark power so that they follow your commands. They'll go anywhere you tell them to. It's quite another thing to make them become inert when you're done. Reanimated skeletons don't have off buttons."

Putting to rest any fears of an undead uprising, the duchy has issued an advisory via the Anomaly Terror Level Advisory System (ATLAS), its color-coded early warning alert system. Public safety authorities state that there is no credible threat of vengeful undead horrors terrorizing the local populace. Notwithstanding, ATLAS suggests a code yellow / elevated risk of skeleton incidents for the foreseeable future.

Dr. Hasenpfeffer's findings are only the latest demonstration of what wonders Isermno's brightest minds are capable of. His research concludes once and for all that there are 206 bones in the adult human skeleton, more or less.

"Counting bones is not an exact science," he explains. "Sometimes, you break a few depending on how you dig them up, or whether the donor is unwilling to part with his bones."

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Dr. Brígida Asuncion Ximena is a health and sciences correspondent for IMBS. Having left her successful obstetrics practice to serve three consecutive terms as the duchy's chief executioner, she commands an end-to-end understanding of the human life cycle.