"This is a watershed moment," says Cocapepsi Bergmanne, the production's writer, director, and caterer. "As a Papua New Guinean millennial transgender colored woman of three-twenty-fifths German descent, I am uniquely situated to reimagine this critical moment in European history for modern audiences," said the filmmaker in what this reporter believes may might have passed for a sentence if it didn't sound like she were having a stroke.
Bergmanne's film comes on the heels of a developing trend: corporate exploitation of racial, cultural, and sexual orientation diversity for profit. Disney is ahead of the curve in this regard, albeit more in terms of exploitation than in profits as its recent string of big-budget film bombs has proven (See: 2022's Lightyear, 2020's Mulan). For all the media attention Disney has stirred up with its upcoming live-action rehash of The Little Mermaid, time will tell whether the studio's decision to cast Halle Bailey as the titular character will yield a return on corporate race-baiting efforts, whether audiences will gleefully scream: "That's me! That fictitious fish-bodied female from a faraway fairy tale represents me and all I live for! Take my wallet, please!"
I beg your pardon in advance, but this reporter has her doubts.
But I digress.
Set in 1945, Bergmanne's historical war drama depicts the final days of the German high command during the Battle of Berlin.
Filmmaker Bergmanne continues: "I racked my brains for a long time—like, fifteen minutes, maybe—thinking about what type of film would make the most money. Then it hit me: historical dramas! Especially ones with that German dictator guy with the Walt Disney mustache. The best part is, since they're historical, they practically write themselves!"
Affording so solemn a period of history as the Second World War all the dignity as is befitting, Bergmanne relates: "Just because the film is based on actual events that actually happened to millions of actual people doesn't mean I can't remix it into something more culturally diverse for today's viewers. Germany in the 1940's criminally underrepresented alternative lifestyles—except for that funny mustache guy; he was probably closeted. The narrative was dominated by ethnically White European cisgendered heteronormative males. That made me think: 'What were they, Nazis?' I mean, who but a Nazi would handpick an all-White, all-male staff?"
Filmmaker Bergmanne's unconventional casting choices reflect her cultural inclusivity efforts. The character of Joseph Goebbels is played by Hoang Van Duc, of Vietnamese descent. Heinrich Himmler is played by Chicano-American Luicísimo Nueces. Bergmanne says the decision to cast multicultural actors is in keeping with the latest Hollywood trend, that is to say, virtue-signaling for profit. It also makes the film immune to criticism—anyone who cries foul at casting non-Whites into roles as Nazis is probably a Nazi himself.
In a surprising twist, Eva Braun is played by a Black drag queen whose stage name is Prestidigitous Grady.
"We know from history that Eva was in a relationship with the funny mustache dictator," Bergmanne explains. "But everyone knows that was just to cover the fact that Chancellor Raise-Your-Hand was a closeted homosexual. Why not show that by casting a man to play Eva?" Pausing to glance at her checklist of "woke" story elements, she leans in and adds, "Besides, any film with a bi-racial same sex couple is guaranteed an Oscar nomination. It's practically a requirement these days."
Bergmanne's film presents Eva and the mustached chancellor in a sympathetic light. The star-crossed lovers and Hermann Goering, their shared boyfriend, are persecuted by a hatemongering Euro-American coalition of wealthy, bigoted, radically conservative, White cisgendered imperialist businessmen/politicians. That mouthful of a phrase hints at the film's expected runtime. Bergmanne anticipates needing six to eight hours of film to fully exhaust the themes (and audiences).
Bergmanne chose to depict President Roosevelt, the film's primary antagonist, as carried around in a sumptuous golden litter rather than stricken with polio out of concerns that the latter would soften the impact of Roosevelt as a villain. Also, according to Bergmanne, it would demand too much of the audience if they were forced to believe misfortune ever befell rich White men. Instead, the German dictator is shown in a wheelchair, in what is an obvious grab for the audience's sympathy. To that end, Bergmanne adds that she considered casting a wheelchair-using puppy for the role of the dictator, but decided against it at the last minute out of fears that this might confuse audiences.
That creative decision aside, this reporter wagers a month's salary that the audiences will be plenty confused watching the film.
"It's a little known fact that the dictator was also a painter," says Bergmanne. "He was denied entry into art school. I chose to interpret this facet of his life by depicting him in a wheelchair."
When asked whether the actor playing the dictator actually used a wheelchair in real life, Bergmanne stammered and wrung her hands, then forgot the question had been asked and moved on.
In the biggest act of charity this reporter has performed this week, no more questions were asked of the filmmaker that further demonstrated the extent to which she was out of touch with reality.
Although no one on the film's cast is a White male, it is believed that at least one ethnic German was briefly consulted while filming in Germany because no one involved in the production spoke the language well enough to understand the roadway signs. For this, Bergmanne has issued a written apology, earnestly promising that her future projects will involve as few cisgendered White men as possible in the spirit of cultural inclusiveness.
The film is yet to be released—praise God. When it is, this reporter looks forward to staying home when it opens at Bergmanne's parents' basement.
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The latest news from His Royal Highness's Isermno Media Broadcast Service (IMBS). Updates on the 15th and 30th of each month.
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