Consumers Outraged Over Rising Prices; Fish/Human Hybrids Pose No Threat To Safety

​Rising prices for consumer goods and services have prompted difficult talks in Isermno's financial appropriations ministry. Government and industry leaders are in negotiations in an attempt to stem what some have called a financial "death spiral."

The price of housing has seen dramatic increases on the island. "You can't build new homes if there's nowhere to put them," says local builder Armando Paredes. "At this rate, it'd be cheaper to have working gills installed in our necks so we could live underwater than to build new homes."

Mr. Paredes was not available for further comment. His irresponsible remarks on the so-called "financial crisis" and nonsensical references to fish/human hybrids were taken as proof of his severe and dangerous mental illness. He has since been whisked away to a maximum security mental institution where he can no longer pose a threat to himself or others.

In the interest of public safety, we reiterate: there is no present risk of invasion by fish/human hybrids. The public are encouraged to monitor advisories and report any sightings to their local police station or the nearest anomalous wildlife eradication post.

Another of the hardest-hit sectors of the economy is public utilities, according to consumer watchdog group, ​Isermno Junta de Luz y Fuerza. This comes on the heels of related news that the group's top officials have been released from incarceration. Local police have issued an apology for the arrests, citing that it can't be helped if "Junta de Luz y Fuerza" sounds like the name of a self-righteous terrorist organization.

Luz ​Cuesta-Montón was available for comment. She, along with her husband, Fuerza Cuesta-Montón, are cofounders of Isermno Junta de Luz y Fuerza, having named the group after themselves. At the time of the group's inception, it was entirely unforeseen that the name would suit their advocacy for lower energy bills. 

"Compared to last year, consumers are paying 16% more for power to their homes and businesses," she says, still sporting the orange jumpsuit issued to her in jail. Building upon the point, she adds, "Does anyone have the keys to these handcuffs?"

In light of these worrying trends, several government ministries have offered the following cost-saving advice:

• Use mass transit; drive only when necessary.
• Stockpile necessities; at least one month's supply per household.
• Conserve ammunition; shoot fish/human hybrids only at point-blank.

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Juan José Ferrúfino is a business and financial correspondent for IMBS. He holds the distinction of having managed several blue chip corporations and successfully running them into bankruptcy. If there is anything his two-year sabbatical in the penitentiary has taught him, it is to avoid getting caught.